YOU'LL PROBABLY F I N D that people in the UK are less engaged in the pursuit of entertainment than the average American. You'll rarely hear them asking each other, "What are your plans for the weekend?" Sundays are typically very laid-back, family affairs, with the occasional pint at the local pub before going home for Sunday lunch or dinner. Having said that, Brits do have a great many ways of entertaining themselves; and as usual, there are a great many unwritten rules you'll need to know.

• First things first: The term "theatre" always refers to a stage production, and not the movies. (Also note the spelling!) You might get a few invitations to go to "the pictures," which means a movie theatre or cinema. An older word, but one that is still used for the movies, is "the flicks."

• The theatre in the UK is first class. Obviously, there's London's West End and Shakespeare's Stratford-upon-Avon, but don't write off provincial theatre. "The provinces" have great shows, particularly if a play is touring before going on to a London theater. The Royal Shakespeare Company considers Newcastle-upon-Tyne one of its major venues after Stratford and London. Unlike the States, the cast usually doesn't change when the production moves to a new city, so you have a chance of seeing the "stars" even outside London.
Theater shows usually begin on time; if late, you must often wait until the interval (intermission) to take your seat. Tickets for the big London shows are often hard to come by, but the theatres do sell off cut-price tickets for that night's performance, so it is possible to get lucky. Oh yes, when you see a sign for the "Stalls" in the theatre, it's referring to the orchestra, or ground-level seats. The "Circle" or "Royal Circle" refers to the mezzanine; "Upper Circle" means the Balcony; the "Gallery" is the Upper Balcony; and "the Gods" are the nosebleed seats. One particular piece of theatre you may not be familiar with is the good old "pantomime" or "panto." This is not actually a mime at all, though you will find it most peculiar. Typically performed around Christmastime, it is a lavish performance of a well-known fairy story, such as Cinderella, Mother Goose, Snow White, etc. Many famous British personalities star in these pantomimes and take them on tour around the country. Think of them as precursors to the modern musicals such as Cats and Phantom. There are a few oddities about these pantomimes that you should know of. First, and perhaps most odd, the male lead (called the principal boy), such as Prince Charming in Cinderella, is often played by a female. Every now and then you'll get a female impersonator pretending to be a female in the principal boy role! If there are any old hags to be played, such a witches and wicked stepmothers, you can guarantee they'll be played by men. The second odd thing is the banter. Throughout the pantomime, not only will there be many references to current affairs (which could make you feel like a stranger within the first five minutes), but the players will invariably turn to the audience and yell something like, "Oh no, you wouldn't," to which the audience will join in with, "Oh yes, I would!" Fortunately, the many risque jokes included go over the heads of the little ones and pantos are generally good, safe family entertainment.

• For those of you who haven't visited the UK in a while, British TV has come a long way. For a start, there are now numerous "terrestrial" channels (not satellite or cable), and almost round-the-clock coverage. In addition, most homes now have either satellite or cable channels, allowing you access to many of your favorite American TV shows, as well as a wide variety of European soccer matches. Better than all the TV shows are the commercials (adverts), which people watch as avidly as any soap. They are often much more risque than anything you'd see in the States, and the humor is exceedingly dry. If you have occasion to buy or lease a TV, make sure you also purchase a TV license. Since the BBC channels don't run commercials, they generate revenue via the dreaded license. Yes, it is possible to operate a TV without a license, but if you're caught in the act, you'll receive a hefty fine. (TV detector vans roam the streets and can pick up the signal from your home.) You only need one license per house, no matter how many TVs you have in there, and licenses can be purchased at Post Offices, by phone, mail or online. (By the way, the noun "license" is spelled "licence" in the UK; the verb is still "license.") Under recent licensing regulations, people using PCs to watch television are still required to obtain a television license. The National Lottery: It will appear to you that the Brits are obsessed with their National Lottery. There are several lotteries—daily, weekly, bi-monthly, and monthly—all with different names for players' ease. You can play online (if you're over sixteen), and buy lottery tickets everywhere. When the winning numbers are picked, it is done with much fanfare as a nationally televised half hour show. The winners get 50 percent of the monies paid into the lottery, while about 28 percent of this pool helps fund projects and grants throughout the UK. Turf accountants—otherwise known as betting shops or "bookies," can be found throughout the land as the British love to place bets. Aside from the usual things to bet on, such as horse racing and soccer results, you can currently place bets on who will be the next pope or the next American president. The term "punter" is very common in the UK; it used to refer specifically to gamblers but is now used for customers in general.
The local pub is often the center of entertainment for many people. The bars in the States that claim to be authentic English or Scottish pubs are actually nothing like those in the UK. For a start, British pubs are usually carpeted. If the pub is a tad grotty, your feet will stick to the carpet as you make your way to the bar. If it's a really old country pub, you might see the original flagstone floor. The pub is a good place to meet friends and sit and have a chat. Many, particularly in small towns and villages, have their own darts competitions, football teams, quiz nights, and snooker and cricket teams, which play in pub leagues. (I kid you not!) Of course, there's the other type of pub—noisy, bright, and full of young people out on the town for the night. Most major towns and cities have fairly active social scenes, again with the pub at the center of it all. You'll also find quite a few wine bars, where you can get snacks or even a meal with your glass of vino, and, if you're lucky, you'll be able to hear enough to have a conversation.

• The laws governing alcohol consumption are very different in the UK. It is illegal to give alcohol to a child under five unless it's an emergency, and there must be adult supervision. Children under fourteen are allowed into bars that have a children's certificate; they must stay in a room or area (e.g., garden) where alcohol is consumed but not sold. In other words they can't belly up to the bar. Always check with the restaurant or pub manager as some establishments still refuse to have children on the premises. At ages fourteen and fifteen, minors can go into bars but may not consume alcohol. At sixteen and seventeen they may be bought a beer or cider to eat with a meal but only in restaurants, not pubs. Again, check with the manager beforehand. Eighteen is the legal age at which you may purchase and consume alcohol.

• The UK is sports-mad—unfortunately, not the same sports that you follow in the United States. Soccer (commonly referred to as "football" in Europe, South America, and basically everywhere but the States) is big, and every city has at least one team. Many have two and the rivalry between them is fierce. Unfortunately, a football match/game is not the place for young kids and grannies. The fans often get quite violent and the atmosphere just isn't the same as at American baseball or football games. Alcohol is not served, nor will you be allowed into a match if you appear inebriated. Note: a "pitch" in the UK refers to the field where the game is being played, and a "strip" or "kit" is the uniform. The other big team sports in the UK are rugby, cricket, snooker, and darts, which receive a lot of TV coverage and are followed almost as avidly. Track and field sports are covered extensively and participated in at school. Apparently the biggest participant sport (as opposed to spectator sport) is fishing—or "angling," as it's also known. For obvious reasons, this is not covered widely on TV, but you will see plenty of sheep-dog trials. There used to be a TV show—which was extremely popular and went on for years—called One Man and His Dog. The commentator had to speak in an extremely quiet voice so as not to distract the dogs. I'm not joking! Another sport widely participated in, particularly if you're over eighty, is lawn bowling. In every town, city, and village you'll find a beautifully manicured bowling green with little old men and women quietly bowling big black balls toward a smaller white one. People get very serious about their bowling and spend hours out there.

• A few differences in sporting terms: "Hockey" in the UK is generally understood to refer to field hockey. If you want to talk about ice hockey, say "ice hockey." Similarly, "riding" is the term used for horse-back riding, and skiing refers to snow-skiing rather than water-skiing.

• If you're a big knitter you'll be thrilled at the amount of "wool shops" to be found in the UK. Be aware that knitting
needle sizes are different in the UK so a British knitting pattern is a potential disaster area. Grab a needle size converter before attempting a British pattern and you won't have to buy a new supply of knitting needles. Yarn is generally called "wool." Similarly, if you're into sewing, remember that British sizing is different so double-check any patterns you buy. Many department stores have fabric and wool departments.

• One thing that will have you rubbing your eyes in disbelief is Morris dancing. This is a centuries old type of folkdancing done by enthusiasts up and down the country, and indeed in North America and the Antipodes. Its origins are heavily debated and linked to the far corners of the globe; however there are references to Morris dancing in Shakespeare. It is probably the closest to traditional English dancing that there is, although there are huge regional differences both in the dance steps and the costumes. For costumes they are! Probably the closest thing to an English national costume actually. In most cases the men (and a few women) wear knee breaches, baggy shirts and vests. The shirts are almost always white but the breaches can be black or white and the vests can be any color. Some Morris dancers have bells attached to the bottom of their breeches, some wear clogs and some paint their faces black. The dancers sort of gaily jump around clashing sticks, swords or waving handkerchiefs, accompanied by a variety of instruments closely related to the accordion. Morris dancing is largely associated with May Day celebrations. Teams compete in national and international competitions and are passionate about their hobby. If you look up Morris dancing on the Internet you will see what I mean. Another national hobby that you'll find quaint and amusing is the brass band. The celebrated composer, conductor, and wit Sir Thomas Beecham is alleged to have said "Brass bands are all very well in their place—outdoors and several miles away". The British movie "Brassed Off" accurately portrays brass bands in the UK. Generally regarded as a working class hobby, there are competitions around the country to proclaim the best brass band. Many brass bands are affiliated to work situations such as factories and mines, and the band members must be employees to be eligible to compete. Many outdoor parks still have Victorian band stands, and the practice of a brass band playing on Sunday afternoons is being revived in some areas. The world of entertainment in general will be very different in the UK. American celebrities who can barely walk along the street in the States without being mobbed are unknown in the UK—apart from the Tom Cruise-type international superstars. Katie Couric, Barbara Walters, Dave Letterman, Sammy Sosa? They would probably only be recognized by fellow Americans. Similarly, the personalities that are featured every week in British gossip columns will ring no bells with you. Don't worry, you'll soon know exactly who Lulu, Denise Van Outen, and Cliff Richards are.

BRITISH WORDS THAT MIGHT
REQUIRE TRANSLATION

Adverts n—commercials
(The) baths n—swimming pool; swimming baths
"The Beeb"—affectionate name for the BBC
BBC—British Broadcasting Corporation
Booking office n—ticket office
Bookmaker/bookies—betting shop
Chat show—talk show
Dobber n—remote control
"The flicks" n—the movies
Gods n—nosebleed seats in the theatre
ITN—Independent Television Network
Kit n—sports uniform
Match n—game (football, cricket, etc.)
"The pictures" n—the movies
Pitch n—playing field
Snug n—small section in very old bars
Stands n—bleachers
Stalls n—orchestra seats in the theatre
Strip n—sports uniform
Terraces n—bleachers (in soccer)

AMERICAN WORDS THAT THE BRITS
DON'T SHARE:

Bleachers—stands
Movie theater—cinema; the pictures
Orchestra seats—Stalls
Pinch hitter—doesn't exist
Ticket office—booking office
Uniform—this word is only used for military, police, and other such professional attire; not sports attire

THE GOOD NEWS is that you can find many American chains, if you feel the need for home comforts. The first international TGI Fridays was opened in Birmingham, and they are to be found in most major cities, along with McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell, etc. There are also Starbucks popping up all over the place, although the prices may startle you. Dining out in the United States is usually a much more casual affair than in the United Kingdom. This is probably because it is more expensive in the UK and people treat it more as an evening out than just a means to feed themselves. When booking a table to eat out, it would be unusual to do so for earlier than 7 p.m.

• Although the UK is embracing fast food there are still geographical areas that have few truly fast food places, and very few that stay open 2 4 hours. It often shocks and amazes Americans that these places will close down or run out of food in the middle of the day when masses of people are clearly waiting to buy something. Stately homes and other such places open to the public are particularly adept at running out of sandwiches about 20 minutes after they open for lunch. If you have blood sugar problems, or just like to eat frequently, don't assume you'll be able to grab something to eat outside of regular mealtimes. Unless you're living or working in central London, expect a much slower pace in restaurants. "Table turnover" is not quite the obsession that it is in the States, so you will not be immediately pounced upon to make a menu choice, nor will you feel much pressure to finish your meal and take care of the bill (check). I often find that Americans end up chasing the waiter down, rather than feeling any pressure to leave the establishment.
Once you are seated in a restaurant, it is generally not the done thing to get up and leave, unless you need to go to the hospital! Being a foreigner, you could obviously get away with it, and indeed no one can stop you as long as you are not leaving an unpaid bill. The natives, however, wouldn't dream of doing this and would also be highly embarrassed if any member of their party tried to. When I was first married and living in Dallas, my husband decided he didn't like the menu at a restaurant we had chosen. Such is my British training that I was horrified at the prospect of leaving after we had been seated and made him tell the waiter that I wasn't feeling well, while I tried to look as pale and wan as possible! A year later, while visiting England, I did a similar thing myself, to my brother and sister-in-law. This time, we had only stepped into the entrance lobby and I decided I didn't care for the food on the menu. They were so embarrassed they pretended not to know me!

• To help you manage your expectations in a British restaurant, here's what you will and won't get. Ice is often not served with drinks in restaurants (nor do people have large quantities in their houses). Water is usually not served with a meal and extra cups of coffee with dinner are not usually free, nor is the bread. Iced tea is rarely on the menu and refills certainly wouldn't be free. Restaurants usually don't split dishes, serve things on the side, or mix and match their menus as much as here. You won't usually be able to order two appetizers instead of an entree. In short, don't expect as much flexibility as you get Stateside, but asking politely could result in your request being granted. At one London international airport which shall remain nameless, I had to buy two full meals and sit down in the
restaurant because my kids wanted French fries. I couldn't just order the fries because they were only on the menu accompanied by fish sticks, chicken nuggets, etc. I asked the assistant to leave the other food off the plate, as I knew my kids wouldn't eat it, but she said she had to serve me the full meal so that the cashier would know what I was paying for. Needless to say, I was speechless at the inflexibility, not to mention the waste of food.

• Be prepared for fewer culinary descriptions from your waiter or in the menu. A hilarious incident happened to me when dining out with my mother and sibs. The waitress could only tell us that one of the special appetizers was "soup." When I asked what kind of soup it was, she replied that she didn't know, and then poised herself, pencil at the ready, for our order. Since I quite fancied a bowl of soup, I asked her if she could find out its flavor. She seemed greatly put out, and my family, I perceived, were slightly embarrassed, too. Good thing I bothered, though, as it was French Onion, which none of us liked.

• Although there are great "takeaway" restaurants (Chinese, Indian, and the famed "chippy") in every town, village, and city, most regular restaurants do not offer doggy bags (which incidentally is an unknown term). If you ask for something to be "wrapped," you will be met with blank looks and a distinct lack of action. Even when you explain what you want, you'll probably be told they don't have anything to put the food in. In addition, rather than delivering this answer apologetically, you'll more than likely be regarded as greedy or crazy. Even where "wrapped" food is available, most Brits haven't embraced this practice.

• You will never be expected to keep your silverware from one course to the next. Indeed, placing your dirty knife and fork on the tablecloth as the busboy approaches would be similar to tipping your plate upside down. In addition, your plate will probably not be removed until you have set your knife and fork next to each other on the plate. Resting silverware apart on your plate indicates that you are still eating your meal. Talking of silverware—first of all, unless you're talking about family heirlooms, it's "cutlery"; second, although it's becoming more acceptable to cut up your food and then eat it all with only the fork, I would still advise against doing this is in posh restaurants or at formal dinners. Just like elbows on the table, it's not considered good form in the UK.

• When ordering tea or coffee, Brits use the phrases "white," "black," and variations thereof:

White—coffee/tea with milk
White without—coffee/tea with milk and no sugar
Black without—black coffee/tea without sugar
White with—coffee/tea with milk and sugar
Black with—black coffee/tea with sugar

Both tea and coffee are served with milk, as opposed to cream or half and half. If you ask for cream, after some odd looks, you will be given a small jug of very thick cream; half and half is not known. The Brits rarely drink tea with lemon and you would have to ask for it specifically. Similarly, iced tea is not popular in the UK and not often offered as a beverage choice. If you make someone a cup of tea in your home, play it safe and ask your guest how he or she likes it beforehand. If you're making it "in the cup" (as opposed to a full pot), never use more than one tea bag per cup. If your guest likes strong tea, simply leave the tea bag in the water a little longer. Better still, ask them to "say when." If you're having tea with someone who says, "Shall I be Mother?" (even if it's a guy), they are simply offering to pour the tea! A final point on tea: You'll discover there are many different opinions about how the perfect cup of tea is made, but one thing is for certain—microwaved water just doesn't cut it with most Brits. If you don't possess a kettle, it's better to boil the water in a small saucepan than to risk the microwave.

• When buying a sandwich, you will typically not be preDining sented with the number of options that you get in the States. Perhaps you'll be asked if you'd like white or brown bread, but the salad (lettuce and tomato) will be included unless you can catch them beforehand. If you have particular likes or dislikes, be very upfront and specific about them, or you'll just have to take what you get—the Brits are not as relaxed about making you up another sandwich just because you don't like it. Many Americans find the skinny British sandwiches highly amusing. I must enlighten you here, though—those pathetic, skinny sandwiches are usually only sold in business areas where starving office workers have little or no choice but to put up with them. Take yourself off to a real bakery or tea shop and you'll find some huge, bun-style "sarnies" with delicious fillings spilling out all over the place.
Brits very rarely have breakfast outside of their home, except in London, where brunch has caught on. Unless you're in an American-type restaurant, don't expect to be understood if you ask for eggs "sunny side up" or any other similar description. Eggs come basically fried, scrambled, poached, or boiled: after that, you need to describe how you'd like them cooked in plain, old-fashioned English. When you've finished your meal, ask for the "bill" rather than the "check," as some wait staff might think you're referring to a method of payment, which incidentally you are allowed to use in restaurants backed up by a bank card— and the spelling is "cheque." In many restaurants in the UK you must order every part of your meal individually. Often, the meat entree doesn't "come with" veggies or potatoes and you'll have to remember to order them. In pubs and gastropubs, however, it is more common to have buffets, or to find a full meal on the menu. It is legal for minors aged sixteen and seventeen to be bought a beer or cider to drink with a meal. This applies to restaurants but not bars.

• Tipping: Check your restaurant or hotel bill to see if a service charge has already been added, in which case there is no need to tip further, and certainly not the rigid 15 percent as here. If you feel the service has been unacceptable, you may refuse to pay the service charge, and you will rarely be interrogated or followed outside if the tip appears small. You will, however, see an extra charge for VAT (explained below) on your bill.

• When referring to food or a restaurant, the phrase "cordon bleu" is pronounced in the French style and the Brits will be highly amused to hear "cordon bloo."

BEING ENTERTAINED AT SOMEONE'S HOUSE

• You may be invited to a "dinner party" even though only four to six people are invited. This is considered a fairly formal invitation, which requires a timely response, prompt arrival, and no unannounced extra guests. Unless otherwise stated, it will usually be an adults-only invitation, so don't drag your kids along even if you can't find a baby-sitter. It is customary to take a bottle of wine or a small gift, or as one American friend puts it, it is "the kiss of death" to arrive empty-handed. It is also good manners to call or write afterwards to say thank you. Your hostess may say "Seven-thirty for eight," or, "Eight for eight-thirty," which means that you can turn up any time within this half hour. You should not wander in late. A very formal invitation may state, "Mrs. John Doe at home for Jane," which basically means the parents are throwing a posh party for lucky old Jane. At a dinner party, expect to have the seating allocated by the host; a common practice is for couples to be split up. If invited to "supper," this will be around the same time but will be a much more casual affair. "Casual" does not mean you can turn up late, though. Whatever type of invitation you receive, while it is courteous to offer to bring something, it is not common to bring a complete course, such as a salad or dessert. Do not insist if your host says not to worry. Insisting that you contribute to the meal is just not done in the UK, unless it's family or really close friends; even then, you'll often find the hosts want to do it themselves. Similarly, by all means help clear the table, but remember you are there to socialize, so spending the rest of the night in the kitchen clearing up will make your hosts feel uncomfortable, force them to join you in clearing up, and ruin what might have been a relaxing evening. If you receive an invitation to a dinner party that you can't make, don't be surprised or offended if the host simply says, "Oh, never mind, another time perhaps." Unless the host is specifically trying to introduce you to certain people, the dinner party will go on without you. Evening socializing usually goes on later than it does in the United States and dinner parties often don't start till 8.30 p.m. nor break up till after midnight. Formal balls typically go on into the wee hours of the morning and a breakfast will be served. When an American friend threw her first dinner and invited guests for 7 p.m., one English guest commented that it was an "odd" time to serve dinner.

• Unless you are entertaining business clients, taking friends out to dinner and paying for their meals is not considered "entertaining one's friends" and is rarely done.

• The table settings in the UK are a little different from their American equivalents. For a start, there will be no salad plate or fork, and no long-handled spoon set at the side next to the knife. (Southerners—What is that for anyway?) All knives will be to the right and all forks (except a dessert fork) to the left. If you're having soup, you will also get a soup spoon next to your knife. Across the top will be the dessert spoon and possibly a fork. If in doubt, just surreptitiously copy the majority at the table. When you have a multitude of knives and forks set out before you, the secret is to work from the outside in. The great thing about being an American dining in the UK is that you can cover yourself ahead of time by explaining that the table settings are different, and would somebody please advise you.

• The order of food in the UK may be slightly different from what you're used to in the States. For example, you'd rarely be offered a plate of cheese to nibble on before the meal, as cheese is usually served at the end, sometimes with a glass of port. Be advised—if you have never had port before, it is a fortified wine and packs a strong punch the morning after. When the port does appear at the table, it should be passed around to the left. If you decided not to imbibe, you should still pass the decanter around rather than placing it in the center of the table. In the olden days, when the port came out, it was time for the ladies to retire to another room and let the men do their thing. This rarely happens these days.

• The question, "Would you like a drink?", can lead to some confusion and embarrassment. Many hosts will be referring to an alcoholic drink, especially in the evening, but during the day it could well be a cup of tea. Best way around this one? Reply with something like "Whatever's easiest," and take your cue from them. If you're doing the hosting and your polite guest asks for tea when you had something stronger in mind, give him another chance by adding, "Would you prefer something stronger?" You should be warned that the coffee you'll be served might well be instant, as Brits drink a lot of instant coffee. If it's real, it will more likely be made in a cafetiere than a drip coffee maker. Fortunately, it tastes the same.

• Potluck dinners do occur, but they are not called potluck. I have heard them called "bottle and plate" parties, and there are sure to be more variations on that theme. Similarly, a "brown bag" lunch exists but is usually called simply a "packed lunch," and no one uses the term "family style" to describe the way a meal is served.

• If you're invited to a barbecue, be prepared to be disappointed. For obvious reasons (the weather), BBQs aren't as common as they are in the States, therefore people aren't as proficient. The fare is usually limited to charred sausages, chicken, and hamburgers. If you take fancier food along to be grilled, I would advise taking care of it yourself. "Cookout" is not a recognized term in the UK.

PUBS
Although not always thought of as a place to dine, it's time to turn our attention to the good old pub. In the UK, the pub is the center of local activity and communication. You'll find one just about anywhere you go—indeed, some of them seem so remote, you'll wonder where the customers (called "regulars") come from. Invariably, when you arrange to meet someone socially, it'll be in a pub (although Starbucks and the like are becoming more common).
These days, more and more pubs are serving food. Some have a restaurant section and you won't be able to order food to eat at the bar. Others serve food in all areas of the bar, and the rising complaint is that it's getting difficult just to go for a drink these days. Despite the woeful reputation of British cuisine in general, pub food is often surprisingly good. Although I generalize here, pub food is usually hot, hearty, and good value, if not the healthiest of victuals. The latest phenomenon in the UK gastronomic world is the evolution of the gastropub. These pubs originated in London about twenty years ago, when pub owners were desperately trying to think of ways to pull in money. There are still many more gastropubs in London than anywhere else, but there are plenty dotted all over the country and Web sites galore to help you find them. Many of these gastropubs are very old or picturesque pubs with great chefs on board. Definitely worth scouting one out.

• First things first—if you're only there for a drink, always go to the bar when trying to order. Bars in the UK don't have wandering waitresses, although some will let you run up a tab, or "put it on the bill." A warning here: While the bar may be the only place where the Brits don't seem to be "queuing," customers will definitely know who got there first, second, and so on. If you try to jump this invisible queue, the barman will probably ignore you and serve the person who is really next. To ensure getting served, simply rest your elbow on the bar (if you can get near it) and hold out your empty glass or money. This must be done very casually, though. The barman (or woman) will let you know when you are about to be served by looking at you as he's serving the current customer. You should then indicate that you've seen this with a slight nod of the head, a smile, or any other subtle gesture. Pushing and shoving is allowed, if it's a really busy bar. It also helps to be about six inches taller than the people in front of you. While drinking in a bar (or pub) you are not expected to leave a tip on the bar; indeed, you will receive some very strange looks if you do. Sometimes patrons offer to buy the bar staff a drink ("And one for yourself") but this is not expected. If you do, the bar staffer (who may not be permitted to drink while on duty) will thank you, tell you what they like, and charge you accordingly. As of November 2 4 , 2005, pubs, bars, clubs, and shops may apply for a license to serve alcohol twenty-four hours per day. If you plan to frequent pubs, you might want to acquaint yourself with the stuff on offer. Asking for a beer is more likely to result in a dark brown, slightly warm liquid also known as "bitter." Lighter, American-style beers are known as "lager," and are often much stronger than you're used to, so be warned. You'll also be expected to state your quantity when ordering beer, e.g., half a pint or a pint. Despite the rumored advances in women's lib, most women over thirtyfive don't drink pints!

• Most pub staff won't know how to serve elaborate cocktails (unless you include gin and tonic or vodka and orange), although if you can give them ingredients and quantities, they'll usually be more than happy to give yours a try. Wine bar staff are more likely to have a repertoire of cocktails up their sleeves.

• Warning: Cider is never non-alcoholic. It refers to an exceedingly potent apple derivative, and if from the West Country ("Scrumpy"), it is even more lethal.

• Fifteen minutes before closing time, the bar manager will shout something like "Last orders, please," which means that if you want another drink, you'd better be quick. After fifteen minutes he or she will shout, "Time, please," or, "Time, ladies and gentlemen, please," to let you know that you must finish your drinks and leave. By law, pubs are supposed to be empty fifteen minutes after this, so many bar managers will appear very aggressive in trying to get you to leave. In central London, where the pubs tend to be packed to the gills, there are a handful that set off their fire alarms—the noise is so loud that you'll even leave a full pint to get away from it! The bouncers at many pubs not only vet who comes in but make sure everyone leaves when they're supposed to.

• Now that pubs can serve alcohol all night, the time-honored and illicit practize of the "lock-in" is redundant. The owner or manager used to invite patrons to stay after closing hours, and pretend not to sell drinks but to offer them as to a friend. There are various Web sites and blogs bemoaning the demise of the lock-in.

BRITISH WORDS THAT MIGHT REQUIRE
TRANSLATION

Afters n—dessert
Ball n—a very formal (black tie) affair
BBQ'd *—grilled
Bevvy n—alcoholic drink (beverage)
Boozer n—the pub; can also describe someone who drinks a lot
Chippy n—fish and chip shop
Claret n—red Bordeaux wine
Cutlery n—silverware
Fillet n—same meaning, but Brits pronounce the "t"
Grilled a—broiled (not BBQ'd)
Hock n—German white wine
Main course n—entree
"My shout" n—"My round"
Off license (offie) n—liquor store
PBAB (Please bring a bottle)—BYOB
Packed lunch n—brown bag or sack lunch
Plonk n—cheap wine
Pudding n—dessert course or a heavy pudding
RSVP (Repondez, s'il vous plait)—Please reply
Scrumpy n—wickedly strong West Country cider
Serviette n—napkin (napkin is also used)
Speciality (note extra syllable) n—specialty
Starter n appetizer
Sweet (course) n—dessert course
Take-away n—"to go"
Tomato sauce n—ketchup

AMERICAN WORDS THAT THE BRITS
DON'T SHARE

Appetizer—starter
Broiled—grilled
Brown bag—packed lunch
Busboy and bussing—totally meaningless in the UK
Catsup—ketchup
Cookout—BBQ
Doggy bag—doesn't exist
Entree—main course
Grilled—BBQ'd
Half and half—cream
Ketchup—tomato sauce
Liquor store—off license
Potluck—bottle + plate party
Tailgate—nobody does this
"To go"—take-away
Silverware—cutlery
Wet bar—bar
86 it—not used

Now THIS is where you'll really feel like a foreigner! In the UK, Hush Puppies are a type of comfy shoe and a sloppy joe is a sweater. The Brits won't have a clue about po' boys, grits, or mud pies, but then bubble and squeak, ploughman's lunch, and spotted dick are probably a mystery to you. In this chapter, I'll walk you through each meal of the day, pointing out the types of strange food you might be served up while in the UK. I'll also let you know which of your favorite American foods you won't find there, and talk about the customs and culture surrounding food in Britain.

• Before we even discuss specific food items, let me tell you that there's sometimes a difference in the order in which things are eaten. For example, at a dinner party, the cheese plate will come at the end of the meal, either before, instead of, or after dessert, and will be served with coffee—and port, if you're lucky. Salad is quite often served after the main course.

• Another difference is how certain things are eaten. You'll find, in the UK—and other countries in Europe, come to
think of it—that people are not too worried about having their salad and the rest of the meal on the same plate. In fact, if you entertain Brits at your home and set out a separate salad plate, you might find that no one has used it when you come to clear the table. It's probably for this reason that there's no salad plate or salad fork in a British place setting.

• Something else to bear in mind about how things are consumed in the UK is the use of both knife and fork. In informal situations it's okay to cut up all your food and then eat with the fork only, although some people might make comments about the similarity to babies having their food cut up for them. However, if you are in a very formal setting, you might want to hold on to both knife and fork and eat like a grown-up.

• Breakfast: Typically, Brits don't eat doughnuts and other sweet sticky stuff first thing in the morning. A "cooked" breakfast will consist of something like fried bacon, sausages, scrambled or fried eggs, fried tomatoes, and baked beans. (By the way, bacon slices are called "rashers.") Kippers, which are smoked herrings, are also a favorite for breakfast in the UK. Toast will be served with a selection of jams and marmalade. The Brits never mix sweet and savory breakfast food on the same plate, so watch for their looks of horror when you let your maple syrup drench your sausages! Cereal is the most common daily breakfast, with the heavier, cooked breakfast saved as a weekend treat. Unless you're in an American-style diner, pancakes are rarely found on the breakfast table. Occasionally, in tonier establishments, you'll come across kedgeree for breakfast. This is a delicious dish of rice, smoked haddock, and egg, which you should certainly sample if you can. Lunch: Depending on where you are in the UK (usually the North), this meal could be called "dinner." Except for Sundays, lunch is usually a fairly light affair. A word of warning: If you suggest lunch at 11.30 a.m., you'll be met with astonished faces. Lunchtime is not before noon, and sometimes at 1 p.m.; 11.30 a.m. is definitely still the morning. Sunday lunch is a larger affair, and many friends or family get together at this time. Typically, this meal will be a "roast" (chicken, beef, lamb, or pork) with all the trimmings—roast potatoes, vegetables, Yorkshire pudding and gravy—followed by dessert or "pudding" and sometimes preceded by a pint at the local pub. Actually, more and more Brits now stay at the pub for their Sunday lunch, as the pubs quite often excel at this fare. (See Pubs at p. 100 in the next chapter.) Wherever they're from in the UK, all Brits use the term "dinner ladies" to refer to the lovely ladies who serve hot lunches in school cafeterias. (Excessively fat female upper arms are often called "dinner lady arms" or "bingo wings.") For the same unfathomable reason, hot school lunches are referred to as "school dinners" all over the country.
Dinner: Again, depending on your locale, this meal can be called tea, dinner, or supper. It is usually the heaviest meal of the day. Not as many people eat out in the UK, especially during the week, but if you really can't face cooking every night there is a fabulous selection of ready-to-serve food in most supermarkets—and it's not all diet foods, either. Since adults generally eat out without children, if you are making plans to meet someone for a meal, it's very unusual to schedule dinner before 7 p.m.

• Tea: So what is this tea business, anyway? As I mentioned, in some parts of the country an early evening meal is known as "tea," so if you're invited to tea, it could be a fairly full meal, or just tiny sandwiches, creamy cakes, and posh cups. If you are invited to the posh version, don't panic! Apart from learning how to place a china cup in its saucer without shattering it, there's really nothing to it. Your host will basically wheel out the goodies and the tea, and Bob's your uncle! As with any meal, leave the sweet stuff till last. If you insist on hosting a tea yourself, there are tons of "how-to" books and magazines to help. The main thing to remember is that it's not supposed to be a torture session for you or your guests. A "cream tea" refers to the traditional Devonshire tea, which consists of scones served with clotted cream and jam, along with your pot of tea. Clotted cream is thick, yellow cream with the consistency of soft or whipped butter. It is made entirely from the cream of cows' milk and doesn't taste like any cream I've had in the States. Originally this cream used to be made only in Devon but it is now made and sold throughout the country. A note about "high tea"—in the UK, this term isn't really used much any more and means anything but posh. "High tea" actually refers to the heavier version that workers would have when they came in from the fields or the factory, in the late afternoon. Before bedtime, they would probably have a top-up of food in the form of "supper." Still on the subject of tea—Brits drink more tea than you can imagine! Most people use tea bags, although some still prefer loose tea leaves, which require a teapot and strainer.
You will probably be amazed at the quantity of tea consumed in the UK. People pop the kettle on whenever they have guests, feel under stress, are tired, or just plain bored. There's always a reason! Most people drink tea with a little milk, and some just have it black. Few people drink it with lemon, or anything else, for that matter. If you spend any length of time in the UK, you'll probably come back a true convert.
Because of the ethnic mixes in the UK, the Brits actually eat a wide variety of foods on a regular basis. Chinese, Italian, and Indian dishes, in particular, are common fare in homes, but even Japanese and Mexican foods have made a significant entrance in recent years.
Cooking: A British recipe book (yes, they exist!) will pose a few problems for most Americans, not least because they're now all in metric. There'll be ingredients and instructions that require interpretation. My advice (seriously) is to have a UK dictionary handy whenever you tackle a British recipe. Better still, grab yourself a metric conversion chart and you'll be a lot safer. Many recipes state the "Gas Mark" setting so make sure you have found a recipe book that converts these into centigrade and/or Fahrenheit. The famous Joy of Cooking (Simon & Schuster, Inc.) does a great job of explaining many of the differences between American and British cookery methods and terminology. Not only will you need to take a conversion chart with you, but also a "cup" measure, as this measurement simply does not exist in the UK. If you ever ask your neighbor for a cup of sugar, there's no telling how much you'll get since it will depend on the size of the cup she uses. (Incidentally, a "cup" in the UK is the word for a piece of apparel—the sports "box"!)

• American food you won't find in Britain: As I've said, po'boys, grits, and Mississippi mud pies could be names of American rock bands as far as most Brits are concerned. Other foods you'll rarely find in Britain are: brittle, sloppy joe, hushpuppies, English muffins, s'mores, Graham crackers, half and half, and anything "over easy." Bisquick now seems to be fairly easy to get hold of, thank goodness! If you're desperate for American fare, there are many Web sites that will deliver stuff to your door.

• There'll be a lot of British food you'll never have encountered before, but I urge you to try everything at least once, as many things look and sound disgusting but are actually quite tasty. These include, but are not limited to—mincemeat pies (actually very sweet fruit pies), picallilli, digestive biscuits, Cornish pasties, Bakewell tarts, Lancashire hotpot, Scotch eggs, Welsh rarebit, Ribena, Lucozade, ginger beer, cockaleekee, black pudding, haggis, bubble and squeak, tripe, ploughman's lunch, and faggots. I won't tell you what they are as that would spoil the element of danger. Why don't you take this list and make it your mission to sample each item during your stay? Although many foods can be found in both countries, they often have totally different names, just to confuse visitors (see the glossary below for the more straightforward ones). Alternatively, some foods use the same names but are just pretending to be similar.

• Pancakes in the UK are more like crepes. In addition, they are typically filled with something sweet and served as dessert. If you're desperate for an American pancake, "drop scones" come fairly close. Now that Bisquick is available, you can also make your own.

• Chips as Americans know them are "crisps" in the UK, and the variety of flavors you will encounter will either disgust or amaze you—ketchup, savory beef, and sweet and sour are some of the tamer options. The British "chips" are what Americans call French fries. This is worth remembering when you are ordering food.

• Gravy in the UK is only ever brown, and never served with biscuits. Do try some of the thicker brown gravies, which are served over roast meats—delicious!

• Talking of biscuits—in the UK they are what you know as cookies. American biscuits look more like British scones, but would never be served on a plate with a meal. British scones are sweet and usually served with jam (jelly) and cream.

• From time to time you'll find something that has the same name but is not the same food item, e.g., coffee cake. In the States this does not seem to require an ounce of coffee in the ingredients, but in the UK it will appear more like a coffee-tasting pound cake or gateau.

BRITISH WORDS THAT MIGHT
REQUIRE TRANSLATION
Aubergine n—eggplant
Banger n—sausage
Barbie (BBQ) n—grill
Beaker n—mug (usually plastic)
Bicarbonate of soda (bicarb) n—baking soda
Biscuit n—cookie
Blancmange n (pronounced "blamonj")—thick custard, usually a layer in a trifle
Brew n—cup or pot of tea
Broad bean n—fava bean
Brown sauce—steak sauce
Bucks Fizz n—Mimosa
Butty n—sandwich
Candy floss n—cotton candy
Castor sugar n—very fine sugar
Chipolata n—small, pork sausage
Chips n—French fries
Chicory n—endive
Chip butty n—French fry sandwich (truly!)
Cling film n—Saran wrap
Coriander n—cilantro
Cordial n—a thick drink that should be diluted with lots of water (usually for kids and also called juice or "squash")
Cornflour n—corn starch
Cos lettuce (pronounced "koss") n—the equivalent of iceberg lettuce
Courgette n (pronounced "korjett")—zucchini
Crisps n—chips
Crumpet n—resembles an English muffin
Cuppa n—cup of tea
Doner kebab n—like a Gyro
Double cream n—whipping cream
Dressing n—can mean either salad dressing or stuffing
Egg timer n—hourglass
Fairy cake n—cup cake
Fish fingers n—fish sticks
Gammon n—a large ham
Gherkin (silent "h") n—pickle
Ice lolly n—Popsicle on a stick
Ice pop n—Popsicle
Icing sugar n—confectioner's or powered sugar
Jacket potato n—baked potato
Jam n—jelly
Jelly n—Jell-o
Joint n—roasted meat (large piece of)
Kebab n—kabob
Lemonade n—a clear, fizzy drink like 7-up
Madeira cake n—pound cake
Mange tout (pronounced "monj too") n—snow peas
Marrow n—like a huge zuchinni
Minced meat n—ground meat
"Neat" a—straight (drinks)
Plonk n—cheap wine
Pork scratchings n—pork rinds
Porridge n—oatmeal
Pudding n—either dessert course or a heavy pudding
Rapeseed n—canola
Rashers n—strips of bacon
Rissole n—a fried patty containing (usually) leftover food, e.g., fish or meat and potatoes
Rosie Lee n—tea (well-known Cockney rhyming slang)
Runner beans n—stringy green beans
Sausage roll n—sausage wrapped in flaky pastry
Saveloy n—long, seasoned sausage
Savoury a—the opposite of sweet when describing taste
Scoff v—to gobble up
Scone n—biscuit; British scones are never served with gravy, only clotted cream and jam
Skate n—very common white fish
Soya n—soy
Spring onion n—green onion
Squash n—concentrated fruit juice that must be diluted with water before drinking
Swede n—yellow turnip
Swiss roll n—jelly roll
UHT milk—long life milk (Ultra Heat Treated) that keeps for several months
Victoria sponge cake n—two very light rounded cakes with jam (jelly) between them "99" n—an ice cream with a flaky chocolate stick in the top

AMERICAN WORDS THAT THE BRITS
DON'T SHARE

Canola—rapeseed
Confectioner's sugar—icing sugar
Chicory—endive
English muffin—nearest equivalent is a crumpet
Joe (as in "cup of")—coffee
Oleo—margerine
Pound cake—Madeira cake
Produce—green groceries
Skillet—frying pan
Soy—soya
Wiener—Sausage or hot dog
Yellow cake—not unlike the consistency of a Victoria sponge, but be warned—the Brits will fall about when you call it yellow cake.

MOST AMERICANS tend to think that British houses are small; most British houses are in fact smaller than the average American house. They usually have distinct rooms, with doors rather than archways, although open-plan styles are becoming more popular. Typically, you'll walk straight into a hallway, no matter how small. (Most Brits, including myself, have an inbuilt aversion to opening the front door and walking straight into the living room.) In many cases the hallway is there to keep the cold out of the living room, and to keep noise from traveling upstairs. The stairways are often not as high or as wide as in the States (as my husband, at six feet four, can attest), especially in structures from the nineteenth century and before. If you're lucky enough to visit a house, pub, or hotel from about the sixteenth century, the doors are often so small that even women have to stoop to enter. A word here—complaining loudly every time you hit your head on an original Tudor beam will generally be looked on as uncouth!
I'm giving you this information so that you don't walk into someone's house and immediately start marveling at how small or "quaint" certain things are. This is usually met with frosty looks and only serves to maintain yet another stereotype that Americans think their stuff is always bigger and better. Just so you're prepared, a few other gems follow.

• Buying a house in the UK is a little different (surprise, surprise). You don't need an agent to buy a house (although you can hire them to help you), and if you want to sell one, you simply go along to one of the many "estate agent" offices you'll see. It's also okay to list your house with more than one estate agent. As in the States, you'll need a lawyer (solicitor) to do the conveyancing of the property (transfer ownership). The big thing to be wary of is "gazzump-ing (or gazumping)." No, it's not a hideous disease harbored in very old houses, but the practice of the seller accepting your offer and then accepting a higher offer at the very last minute. This is the scourge of house buying in much of the UK and is very common. It can even happen after the initial would be purchaser has commissioned a survey, arranged financing, and sold his or her existing property. Once contracts have been exchanged between a buyer and seller, the sale is complete and gazzump-ing (or gazumping) can't happen. Since accepting an offer doesn't seal the deal, most purchasers ask the seller to take the property off the market and/or try to exchange contracts as quickly as possible. Gazzumping does not occur in Scotland because accepting an offer creates a legally binding arrangement. (Obviously, this does not constitute legal advice on the matter and you should always consult a lawyer before buying or selling a house in the UK.)

• When you buy a house in the UK (and, as an American, you'll be allowed to), you shouldn't expect to see a place that is in move-in condition in terms of decor. Sellers assume that you will want to put your own "stamp" on the property, so very few of them waste money on new paint. You'll have to look past the garish wallpaper or outlandish faux finishes when viewing potential properties. In addition, far fewer people in the UK view a house and start thinking about tearing down walls or otherwise reconfiguring them, and the seller probably won't budge on price just because of changes you might feel should be made. If the house isn't configured the way a Brit wants, he or she will usually find another one and move straight in.

• Many people name their houses. Very old houses usually have a name because the street or road they are on didn't allocate numbers when the houses were first built. Newer homes are usually given names because the owners think it adds a certain prestige to the abode. The Royal Mail prefers that all named houses also have a number, but there's not a lot you can do if you move into a house that doesn't come with a number. When houses do have numbers, you'll usually find odd numbers on one side of a street and even on the other. Unfortunately, many of the newer housing developments have winding roads and the layout of the numbers will make you suspect a trick is being played on you.

• British houses are rarely air-conditioned and are heated by radiators, which are extremely hot to the touch and give off a surprising amount of heat. Some newer houses, which began life with forced air, are now converting back to radiators, as the Brits tend to prefer this. Windows don't have screens or storm windows, so you'll probably find flies buzzing in the summer. It doesn't bother anyone, and fly spray is sold everywhere!

• I would venture to say that the chief complaint among Americans staying in the UK is about the showers. Walk-in
showers are not as common or as powerful as in the United States, and many Brits still prefer baths. Often, when you find a shower, it is a tub shower, the shower curtains are never quite long enough, and they have a tendency to stick to you as soon as the water starts running. If you're desperate for a really good shower, find a resident American. He or she will undoubtedly have ripped out the bathroom and rehabbed it "American style," or found the only house in the entire vicinity with a powerful shower.

• Many houses, especially with fewer than four bedrooms, do not have more than one full bathroom, although higherend new houses are beginning to come with a bathroom for each bedroom, and loos dotted about all over the place (figuratively speaking). I was recently watching a show on BBC America, in which a couple is helped in their search for the perfect English country house. The couple in question didn't like one of the houses because it had "too many bathrooms" (one for each bedroom), and they thought it felt too much like a hotel! I have to add, though, that it was an old house, and numerous loos did seem a bit odd.

• Where owners of old homes have added loos or showers, you'll often find them in very strange places—under the stairs in the entry hall or in a tiny closet in the corner of a bedroom. If you're over six feet tall, there won't be a lot of room to maneuver. Bathrooms are often separate from the room containing the toilet, especially in older houses. If you ask for the bathroom, you might be shown only to a bathroom (with no toilet). "Restroom" is not a recognized word in the UK, and the word "toilet" refers to the room as well as the receptacle. Ask for the toilet, loo, ladies/men's room, or lavatory— these words are not offensive. The term "half bath" is not a word. Oh yes, the word "lavatory" in the UK refers to the toilet, as opposed to the hand basin. Don't have a heart attack to hear that someone "peed in the lawy." A loo is never referred to as a "commode." The good news is that, since there's no requirement for low-flush toilets in the UK, they don't block up and overflow nearly as much. If the bathroom is accessed directly from a bedroom, it will be referred to as an "en suite" bathroom, both in homes and in hotels. Sometimes only the words "en suite" are used. In some bathrooms, while you might not find a toilet, you could encounter a bidet. Americans not accustomed to these have been known to use them as a toilet. Remember, if it doesn't have a tank or a handle to flush with, it probably isn't a toilet. In older houses, the hot and cold faucets (taps) are often mounted separately on sinks and baths, which bugs my husband as he says it's impossible to wash your hands or face in running water without incurring second-degree burns. (The idea, dearest, is that you're supposed to put the plug in and fill the sink.) While I acknowledge the burning potential, it also means that you can brush your teeth with nice cold water while waiting for the hot water to warm up. Actually, since the hot water's coming out of a separate tap, it quite often comes out piping hot, so there is no waiting!

• Still on the subject of bathrooms, ask if it's okay to drink the water! In older houses it often comes from a tank in the attic, which is not chemically treated. These days it's usually okay to drink from the bathroom cold faucet, but I guarantee you'll find Brits who refuse to do this, although they won't be able to give you a valid reason.

• Many houses still do not have dishwashers, or waste disposal units in the sink—so pause before throwing anything in there. Most kitchen sinks have a great built-in draining board, but alas, not that handy little spray attachment you're used to.

• Washing machines and dryers are not as big as in the States, and are often located in the kitchen. The washing machines (usually front loaders), however, are very efficient and often require an advanced degree to work out the program required for your load. (Warning: If you're borrowing someone's house for your stay in the UK, make sure you get detailed instructions on how to use the machine. Every other appliance should be okay, but not the washer.) Dryers were often the type that simply extracted moisture from clothes (rather than blowing hot air around) but they have become more efficient recently—thank goodness. You will find that whenever there's a breezy day, people like to hang their washing outside. A common phrase when remarking on a sunny, breezy day (usually in jest) is "Lovely drying weather."

• Refrigerators, generally called "fridges," are nowhere near the size of American ones, so many families have a second fridge and perhaps even a chest freezer (commonly called a "deep" freezer), hidden away in the garage or the utility room. Check before having your jumbo fridge shipped over, or buying one in the United States fitted for British voltage, since it might not even fit into the designated space in your British kitchen. The cooking appliance is known as an oven, cooker, or stove, but the word "range" is rarely used unless you're referring to the enormous Aga-type ranges that are meant for farmhouses but can now be found in yuppie kitchens everywhere. Household appliances you won't easily find in the UK include waffle irons, stove-top griddles, big coolers, huge refrigerators, ice dispensers, three-way lamps, in-shower radios, steam-free shaving mirrors, mega outdoor grills, BBQ grills on an inside range, ceiling fans, window screens, good coffeemakers, electric skillets, snow blowers, leaf blowers, and top-loading washing machines. And most annoyingly, when you buy most household appliances, they don't always come with a plug on them. Still on the topic of household appliances, you will often find British ones in very odd places—washing machines are invariably in or near the kitchen, while the dryer could literally be anywhere. Until recently, my mother's was in the garage, but when the new kitchen was fitted, a place was found in there for it. Many homes have a "utility room" where washers, dryers, and extra fridges or freezers stay. The hot water heater also can be almost anywhere in the house, but is usually kept in what's known as the "airing cupboard," which will be somewhere close to the bathroom. Airing cupboards are great for storing towels and sheets, which, when needed, are always lovely and warm, because of the hot water heater.

• Gardens are never called "yards," and are usually much more private. No matter how small the patch in front of a house, it is usually edged by a small wall, fence, or hedge. A "yard" in the UK refers to a concrete enclosure and was more typical of the tenement housing of the lower classes built during the Victorian era. Hence the word may open up a huge sociological can of worms with the Brits you encounter. Although decks are becoming more popular (being cheaper and easier to install), most outdoor "flooring" tends to be of the patio variety. "Crazy paving" usually refers to random shaped flagstones.

• Televisions don't quite reach the proportions of some in the United States, but this is only a matter of time. One
thing that's available in the UK which you might not be familiar with is the text information on the "telly." Ceefax, available on the BBC, and Teletext, on Independent Television, is an information service available at the press of a button. Not only do you get TV-related information, but you can almost organize your life by it—new car pricing, vacation possibilities, government information—a veritable telly Internet. (See chapter 10 for more on the telly.)

• Closets the size of small rooms are a bit thin on the ground, especially in old houses. In newer houses, you'll get "fitted wardrobes," which are like built-ins in the States. In older houses, however, you'll get a square room with windows—hence the British fondness for wardrobes, and other freestanding furniture.

• Having trawled through scores of British bed manufacturer's Web sites, there doesn't seem to be much uniformity in the names given to different sized beds. The term "queen" is not often used for a double bed. If you will be staying in furnished accommodation but are required to take your own bed linen, ask for specific measurements as the U.S. and UK versions of "double" and "king" often differ.
Household animals: Generally, the Brits have the same kind of pets as in the States, although some people keep racing pigeons in their backyards. Domestic cats are generally not confined to the house and declawing them is unheard of. Be prepared for looks of confusion when you describe your feline as a "house cat," followed by looks of horror when you explain that its front claws were removed to protect your furniture. British cats come and go as they please (unless they're in a high-rise) by means of a cat flap, usually in the back kitchen door. These flaps produce gales of freezing air in the winter, so people keep the kitchen-toliving- room door closed. Cats are often referred to as "moggies" for some reason. A favorite in the pet department, which is not too common in the United States, is the budgerigar, commonly called a "budgie." These tiny birds look like small parakeets and can be hilarious, in that they are often taught to repeat outrageous phrases and usually do so at the most inopportune moments.

BRITISH WORDS THAT MIGHT
REQUIRE TRANSLATION

Airing cupboard n—linen closet
Bed-sit n—studio apartment/efficiency
Bin n—trash can (either outside or inside)
Bin bag n—trash bag
Bin liner n—trash bag
Bin men n—trash collectors
Bog n—toilet
Bottom drawer n—hope chest
Box n—TV
Bungalow n—ranch-style, single-level houses
Commode n—only ever a hospital-type portable toilet
Cot n—crib
Cloakroom n—can mean a bathroom or a place to hang coats
Council housing—housing project
Cupboard n—closet
Des res (pronounced "dez rez") n—desirable residence (tongue-in-cheek)
Detached house n—single-family house
Dustbin n—trash can (outdoor variety)
Dustmen n—trash collectors
Duvet n—comforter
En suite—refers to a bathroom directly attached to a bedroom
Flat n—apartment; condo
French windows n—French doors
Garden n—yard
Housing estate n—housing development (usually newer houses)
Khazi n—toilet
Lavatory n—toilet
Loft n—space at the top of a house that has not been converted into livable space
Loo, lawy, bog, privy, WC—toilet
Love seat n—antique seat with one chair facing one way and the other in the opposite direction (not a simple twoseater as in the States)
Ottoman n—blanket chest (usually found in bedrooms)
Outhouse n—outside toilet
Parafin n—kerosene
Postman n—mail carrier
Privet hedge n—box wood
Puffy/pouffe n—ottoman, foot rest
Rubbish bin n—trash can
Scullery n—old word for kitchen
Semi-detached house n—duplex
Skip n—Dumpster
Skirting board n—baseboard
Single bed n—twin bed
Strimmer n—weed whacker
Tap n—faucet
Terraced house n—row house
Twin beds n—two beds in the same room
Wall to wall (carpet) n—fitted carpet
Wastepaper basket n—trash can (only for paper)
Wheelie bin n—outdoor trash can with wheels
Yard n—brick, cement-walled enclosure
Zed bed n—fold-up bed

AMERICAN WORDS THAT THE BRITS
DON'T SHARE

"A" frame house—doesn't exist
Apartment—flat
Baseboard—skirting board
Blanket chest—ottoman
Brownstone/greystone—not used to describe a house like this
Closet (in bedroom)—wardrobe
Closet (anywhere else)—cupboard
Comforter—duvet
Cot—camp bed
Condo—flat
Crib—cot
Dumpster—skip
Faucet—tap
Half-bath—toilet, lavatory, etc.
Hope chest—bottom drawer
Housing project—council estate
Love seat—two-seater sofa
Mud room—utility room
Ranch style—bungalow
Row house—terraced house
Single family dwelling—detached house
Studio apartment—bed-sit
Trash can—bin, rubbish bin, dustbin, wastepaper basket
Twin bed—single bed
Walk-up—not used to describe this type of building, although they do exist
Yard—garden

APART FROM THE FACT that it happens on the other sideof the road, driving in the UK is generally not too bad, althoughthe larger cities suffer the typical traffic problems of any big city.I find that in most instances, British drivers let me cut into thetraffic lanes (as long as I'm "indicating" and smiling politely),and are neither overly aggressive nor seriously dangerous. Happily,there are far fewer octogenarians driving around at 15mph.I would strongly advise acquainting yourself with British roadrules and signs before getting behind the wheel, as ignorance ofeven the basics could cost a life. Grab a copy of the HighwayCode, which you'll find online, as well as in soft cover throughoutthe UK.

• You must obtain a British driving license within one year of arriving in the UK. Getting a license requires a written and actual driving test, which, I hate to say, is on a par with a root canal. (Apparently there's a big PR campaign under way to soften the image of the whole ordeal.) There have been major changes in recent years so make sure that any kindly Brit who's guiding you through the process actually has a clue. The test is divided into three parts: Thirty-five multiple-choice questions, followed by a "hazard perception skills" test— not as scary as it sounds. You have to pass these two tests at the same sitting, and then take the actual driving test, which will probably require some lessons from a qualified instructor. According to my American friends who have lived through this ordeal, the experienced U.S. driver can expect to need about three or four lessons; the newer driver may require up to ten. These lessons are expensive but necessary, as even slight variations from driving protocol can fail you. For example, most driving instructors will tell you to angle your rearview mirror so that you actually have to move your head slightly to see behind you. This will allow the examiner to see that you are using this mirror at regular intervals. You are also expected to use the parking brake(handbrake) almost every time you stop for more than a few seconds. You can find out all you need to know (including an instructor) through the government's Web site (below), and even book your test there. Your driving test will take about 40 minutes and there is a fee. Driving examiners are not regarded for their sense of humor while testing drivers, so the whole experience is usually quite stressful. Many people fail the first time and this carries no stigma at all. While learning to drive, any vehicle driven by the learner must display red "L" plates. When the learner is not driving the car, those "L" plates are supposed to be removed. Before getting behind the wheel or taking any part of the test, learners must first obtain a "provisional driving license"; they cannot drive unaccompanied, and must be accompanied by a driver who has been qualified for at least three years and is over the age of twenty-one. This means that your teenager, who is learning to drive, can't be accompanied by the friend who passed the test last week. Learner drivers are not allowed on freeways (motorways) so many newly qualified drivers take "motorway driving" lessons after their test. There are now green "L" plates for those who have just passed their test, but these are not mandatory. High schools typically do not offer "driver's ed." The minimum age for driving or learning to drive is seventeen. Far fewer cars in the UK are automatic. If you pass your test driving an automatic, you are not authorized to drive a stick shift (or "manual") car in the UK. Most students use their instructor's car for the test, thus ensuring that it is up to scratch (and I think because the examiners must prefer the comfort of having a foot brake on their side also).

• If you plan to drive a motorcycle or a moped you will also be required to obtain a provisional license, pass a drivingtest, and then apply for a full license. You must be sixteento ride a moped and seventeen for a motorcycle.

• Your car must have a tax disk (displayed at all times) for a period of six or twelve months. This can be purchased at your local Post Office, with proof of ownership, MOT certification if required (see p. 60), and driving license. Tax disks are not transferable from one car to another, and failure to display one results in a hefty fine.

Check to see whether your American auto insurance covers you overseas. In many cases it won't, and you should probably buy coverage once you arrive in the UK. Because Brits drive on the left, I would not recommend getting off a transatlantic flight and straight into the driver's seat when visiting the UK, especially if you've never done it before. Give yourself at least 2 4 hours to acclimate (which is called "acclimatize" by the way) to the flow of traffic and it'll seem much less daunting. Fortunately, the foot pedals are in the same position, and as the steering wheel is now on the right, you still have to be situated in the middle of the road when driving. The most difficult times for me are usually when there is no other traffic on the road to keep me straight! I have had fleeting moments of panic in which I think I'm driving on the wrong side, or perhaps driving down a one-way street the wrong way. Less dangerous, and more entertaining, will be your attempts to get into the car (walking toward the wrong door) and fasten your seatbelt (sticking your hand into your passenger's face). Some friends have resorted to wearing a glove on one hand only, to remind them of the correct side of the road. Speed limits. The speed limit on freeways (motorways) is 70 mph; it is not advisable to go much faster as enforcement differs widely throughout the UK, and in recent years, speed cameras have been introduced. Now, speeding motorists are caught in the act on camera, and then sent a fine and demand for payment. Rumor has it that only about 20 percent of these cameras are operating at any one time, but since you never know which ones, it's better to slow down when you see the warning road sign. In the last year or so there has been an undercurrent of revolt by the British driving public as there seem to be so many speed cameras around. In 2004, a small brewing company in the Northeast produced a new beer, which they named "Highway Robbery," in protest. Every batch sold out immediately. Speeding offenses rack up points on your license, which not only increase your insurance premiums but also eventually lead to the license being suspended. I know of a handful of close friends and family who have already been nailed by speed cameras. New drivers who rack up six points or more in the first two years lose their license and have to resit the driving test! If caught speeding, going through a red light, driving carelessly, driving without insurance, or failing to stop after an accident, you will receive between three and ten points. Your license will be suspended when you reach twelve points, and be warned, this total can be achieved surprisingly quickly.

• Similarly, UK drivers do not tend to break road and drivinglaws such as going through red or orange (amber) lights, parking where it is illegal, etc., as the fines are usually high.There is also the dreaded "clamp" (similar to the boot orDenver Boot), which is a pain in the neck to get unlocked,and extremely expensive. When in doubt, stick to 70mphon freeways and 30mph in built-up areas, obey all roadsigns, and don't park illegally.

• When driving on any multi-lane road, you can only overtake on the right side (the outside lane). Never attempt to disobey this rule as no one will be expecting you to come up on the wrong side, and the higher road speeds in the UK almost guarantee fatal injury.

• You may not turn on a red light under any circumstancewhatsoever, other than a green filter arrow. Nor should yougo through an orange (amber) light. If you are trying toturn against the traffic at traffic lights, you must not enterthe junction and sit there. You are supposed to stay at thelight and wait until you can make the turn. (There is nograce period in which to turn after a light has changed toorange or red.) Such restricted areas are usually markedwith a yellow grid or rectangle on the road surface.

• If you encounter malfunctioning lights at an intersection, never, ever attempt the four-way stop procedure. It does not exist in the UK and you are likely to get yourself killed. General chaos will ensue until a traffic warden from the next block or village is wheeled in to help.

• Although parking in England—and particularly inLondon—is usually tight, it is not acceptable to bump othercars when attempting to squeeze into a space. Basically, ifyou can't get the car in without hitting another car—itdoesn't fit! Plus you run the risk of setting off someone's caralarm, which has happened to me a few times. When parking,the Brits leave the car in neutral with the parking brake(handbrake) on. If you borrow someone's car, for heaven'ssake don't leave it in gear when you return it, or the ownerwill kangaroo straight through the garden wall next time theengine's turned on.

• A word about the parking meters—you are not supposed to refill your meter when the money runs out. You should drive off and come back, as if you've never been there. "Yeah, right," I hear you say. This is particularly vexing in heavily trafficked areas when you know the spot won't be there when you return. Unfortunately, if you're caught "feeding the meter," there's usually a fine to pay. The street parking in England will cause you a moment's panic now and then. On most two-way streets, cars can park facing either direction. From time to time, I've found myself driving down a street in which all the parked cars were facing me. As long as you pay attention to any signs before you enter a street, you should be okay.

• British police quite often have less to do than in the UnitedStates, so if you're followed by a police car, drive as well asyou can and expect to be pulled over for something. Policecan and do stop and search cars, especially late at night.Make sure you always have roadworthy tires (spelled"tyres") in your vehicle, including a spare. Tires shouldhave a tread depth of at least 1 mm, across three quarters ofthe breadth of the tire and all around the circumference.(See your Highway Code for details.) Similarly, never drivewith a faulty light or anything hanging off your car, asyou'll almost definitely be pulled over.

• Police do not generally write parking tickets; for that you'll have to look out for the ever present traffic warden. He or she wears a uniform and a peaked hat with a yellow band. Pleading ignorance as a foreigner will probably not work, but it may be worth a try. Just don't pick a fight or you'll end up in more trouble; their reputation is only slightly less frightening than that of driving examiners, and as far as I know, they are making no effort to soften their image.

• Drink/driving regulations are much more stringently adheredto and enforced. It is worth remembering that as inthe United States, drinking and driving in the UK is generallynot considered clever or funny by anyone. The culturehas become quite intolerant of such behavior, andpeople either use public transport or don't drink when theyhave to drive their car. You will not simply be cautioned iffound over the limit; you will receive a minimum one-yearban and possibly a large fine, even for your first offense.Your insurance premiums will also increase significantly.The legal limit is 0.08 mg, which is more stringent than insome U.S. states. The abbreviations DUI and DWI meannothing in the UK. The phrases used are "drink/driving"and "over the limit"; the legal charge is "drunk in chargeof . . . " and you can also be caught drunk in charge of a bicycle!

• It is an offense to drive while using a handheld phone or similar device; this law also applies to drivers waiting at lights or sitting in stationary traffic.

• Be prepared for some very high gas (petrol) prices in theUK. Obviously the dollar-to-pound exchange rate hassome impact, but in recent years, gas prices in the UK havebeen at least double those in the States. Car prices are alsoa lot higher than most U.S. equivalents, but you can negotiatewith the dealer over the price.

• In addition to the driver and front passenger, it is now an offense in the UK for rear passengers to travel without using seatbelts. Again, this tends to be strictly adhered to and you may be stopped for ignoring this rule. The person fined will be the person not wearing the seatbelt, rather than the driver.

• If you're a motorcycle rider, be warned, nowhere in theUK is it permitted to forget your crash helmet.

• Bicycles also have their own rules & regulations. If you ride a bicycle at night, it must have a working front white light, a back red light, and a red reflector. Always lock or chain up your bike as bike theft is very common.

• If you own a car that is more than three years old, it mustbe tested according to the Ministry of Transport (MOT)standards. This test can be done at any repair shop (calleda "garage") which is MOT-authorized; without it, you willnot be able to purchase the mandatory car tax sticker or insureyour car. Failure to display an up-to-date tax disk willresult in a fine; this includes stationary vehicles parked onthe street outside your house.

• Be aware of "Zebra crossings." You'll recognize them because of the huge black and white stripes painted across the road. (Think Beatles—Abbey Road.) They are usually flanked by two pillars with a yellow ball at the top, called Belisha Beacons. As soon as pedestrians set foot on the road, they have the right of way on these crossings and will assume that all cars will stop. The other type of pedestrian crossing (often called a Pelican crossing) looks more like regular traffic lights in the middle of the road. There is no clearly marked crossing, but the road on either side usually has jagged markings at the curbside. When a pedestrian wishes to cross, he or she presses the button. The lights will change and a loud beeping sound occurs (for the deaf ) to let them cross. You may not go through these lights when red, even if no one is around. When the lights flash, drivers may proceed if no pedestrians are waiting to cross. Although there are no laws against jay-walking in the UK (indeed, the term is not used), pedestrians walking out into the road other than on a crossing could be hit by the first vehicle that comes along. Drivers often drive at higher speeds than in the United States and will not be expecting anyone to step out into the road or walk between the cars.

• Roundabouts (traffic circles) are everywhere in the UK,and it's basically survival of the most daring! You mustgive way (yield) to vehicles coming from the right at allroundabouts. Mercifully, at the busiest roundabouts, trafficlights have been installed to give drivers a snowflake'schance of actually making it round. After remembering todrive around in clockwise fashion, the main rule is that ifyou're taking the first or second exit off the roundabout,you should stay in the outside lane. If you need to drive allthe way round, you should immediately make for the insidelane and move to the outside as you approach yourexit. You will also encounter "mini" roundabouts. Theylook like small white mounds in the road, but shouldbe treated the same as regular roundabouts, i.e., don'tdrive over them! Another great reason not to get straightbehind the wheel when landing at Heathrow Airport isthe number of confusing roundabouts you'll encounteralmost immediately.

• An "M" road—as in the Ml, M4, M5—means that it's afreeway (motorway); an "A" road is a divided highway(dual carriageway); and a "B" road can be anything from acountry lane to a fairly decent road. If you can get to yourdestination using motorways and/or A roads, do so unlessyou want the scenic advantages of B roads. Yes, the B roadsare usually more picturesque, but hours spent trundlingalong behind an ancient piece of farm equipment willprobably change your strategy before too long.Incidentally, if you're planning to cover two thirds ofthe country in less than 24 hours (as many Americans seemto do), don't gauge your travel itinerary by drawingstraight lines on a map. Many times you won't be able todrive as the crow flies, so careful planning is essential.Should you need to take a B road, or go through any majorcity, I would advise you to add at least an hour or twoto your travel time. It is worth talking to someone whoknows the roads before completing your itinerary, as thereare many "black spots" to be avoided, such as the M25,which encircles the greater London area and is jammed almost
24/7.

• If you decide to take a British car over to the Continent for an excursion, exercise extreme caution. Yes, they all drive on the "correct" side of the road, as in the States, but don't forget you're sitting on the other side of the car. It will be very difficult to pass a car, as you won't be able to see round it. Any junctions should be approached with care, as you'll be turning on the outside rather than the inside of the road. Personally, I would rent a car after arriving on the mainland.

• There are and always have been different names for similarcars in the UK and the United States. The "Bug" is generallyknown as the "Beetle" over there, and a "Rabbit" is a"Golf." A Mercedes is often called a Merc, rather than aBenz, and a BMW is not always known as a Beamer. Insteadof referring to something as the "Cadillac" of whatever,the Brits will use the term "Rolls-Royce." Samedifference.

• By the way, the Brits pronounce the Jaguar as "Jag-you-ar" and a Peugot as "Pur-jo"—except as an American, you'd roll the "r" sound, which they don't do. "Fiat" has a flatter "a", as in "flat".

BRITISH WORDS THAT MIGHT REQUIRE
TRANSLATION
AA—Automobile Association (equivalent of the AAA)
Aerial n—antenna
Amber light n—orange light
Articulated lorry n—trailer truck
"B" road n—more rural road, usually single-lane
Banger n—old car (also a sausage)
Belisha Beacon n—pole with orange ball on top, flanking a
"Zebra crossing"
Bollard n—sturdy metal post used to stop cars driving onto
pedestrianized areas
Bonnet n—hood
Boot n—trunk
Bump start v—to start a manual car by popping the clutch
Bumper n—fender
Car park n—parking lot
Caravan n—trailer; RV
Caravan site n—trailer park (permanent residence at one of
these is not common)
Cats' eyes n—road reflectors
Central reservation n—median
Clamp n—boot, Denver Boot
Crash n—wreck
Double yellow-lined area—a no parking area
Dual carriageway ("A" road) n—divided highway
Estate car n—station wagon
Flyover n—overpass
Four-wheel drive n—SUV
Garage n—garage, gas station, body shop
Gear/manual car—car with stick shift
Gear box n—transmission
Give way—yield
Handbrake n—parking brake
Indicators n—turn signals
Juggernaut n—18-wheeler
Kerb n—curb
Lollipop man/lady n—school crossing guard
Lorry n—truck
"M" road; motorway n—freeway
Multi-storey (car park) n—multi-level parking lot
Number plate n—license plate
Overtake v—to pass
Pavement n—sidewalk
Pedestrian crossing n—crosswalk
Petrol n—gas
Petrol station/garage n—gas station
Prang v—to have a minor collision with something
RAC—Royal Automobile Company (equivalent of the AAA)
Registration number n—license number
Reverse lights n—backup lights
Saloon n—sedan
Silencer n—muffler
Sleeping policeman n—speed bump
Ticking over v—idling
Traffic warden n—traffic cop who writes tickets and directs
traffic
Van n—small truck
Windscreen n—windshield
Write-off n—totaled car
Zebra crossing—a crosswalk with huge black and white
stripes on the road. Cars must stop for pedestrians waiting
to cross
AMERICAN WORDS THAT THE BRITS
DON'T SHARE
Backup lights—reverse lights
Boot (Denver)—clamp
Curb—kerb
Divided highway—dual carriageway
Fender—bumper
Fender bender—the term is not used
Freeway—motorway
Hood—bonnet
Gaper delay—the term is not used
Gas—petrol
Gas/filling station—garage, service station, petrol station
Grease monkey—mechanic
License number—Registration number
License plate—number plate
Muffler—silencer
Orange light—amber light
Parking brake—handbrake
Parking lot—car park
Pavement—road
Rubber necking—the term is not used
RV—caravan
Sedan—saloon
Sidewalk—pavement
Speed bump—sleeping policeman
Station wagon—estate car
Stick shift—gear or manual (car)
Traffic cop—traffic warden
Trailer—caravan
Trailer park—caravan site
Turn signals—indicators
Truck—lorry, van
Trunk—boot
Windscreen—windshield
www.dvla.gov.uk

APART FROM a few of the older East Coast cities in America,the United Kingdom and the United States just "look"different—and I'm not referring to the gray skies and drizzle.Pretty much wherever you are in the UK, you know you're notin the States (and vice versa). A few things are extremely obvious,like the lack of blue mailboxes, no overhanging trafficlights or twenty-foot-high billboards. (The UK has billboardsbut they are not usually erected along motorways.) The housestend to look smaller and closer together. The Dursleys' house inthe Harry Potter movies is pretty typical of a new housing developmentin the UK. Watch BBC America's home improvementshows for a sneak preview of what to expect.Faced with all this new stuff, it's easy to feel overwhelmedgetting from A to B, or having to do the simplest of errands. Dothe ATMs (called "cash point machines") look the same? Whatis a bridleway? Fear not, I'm here to give you a head start.Despite the fact that the English singer Petula Clark sangabout "downtown," it actually doesn't exist in British cities.If you ask the natives how to get downtown, they'll probablyask you where that is! You'll need to say either that youwant to go "into town" or to the town center. When talkingabout London, there really is no town center as it's sucha large city with many different areas. (By the way, sinceit's a major international city, it's never referred to as "LondonTown"). Similarly, you won't find a Main Street, butyou will come across the High Street in every city, town,and village. You'll also hear references to High Street retailers,which basically means the chain stores that are foundin nearly every city and town shopping area.

• Many cities in the UK are very old, and the town centers consist of extremely narrow streets. For this reason, many have been paved and are now pedestrian-only shopping areas. This, coupled with the ever popular one-way traffic systems, makes driving around these towns and cities a nightmare until you memorize the route. When obtaining directions to city locations, make sure you listen carefully—a wrong turn or a missed light could get you stuck in the one-way system, rerouted about sixty miles, and eventually placed on the Missing Persons list.

• The streets are paved with tarmac, referred to as "tar." Althoughit's the same stuff, the Brits don't call it blacktop orasphalt. Incidentally (and this could save a life or two), the Brits refer to the sidewalk as the pavement, and not the roaditself. If you are directed to stand on the pavement, don't goto the middle of the road!

• Let's talk about the traffic for a second: While you will rarely see LA-type congestion (mainly because it's usually not that sunny), the UK can become fairly congested from time to time. Actually, I lie—the M25 is generally regarded as drivers' hell and to be avoided at all costs, especially between 6 a.m.-l 1 a.m. and 1 p.m.-8 p.m. If you plan to drive around London, you must pay the daily congestion charge or face a fine. You can pay this ahead of time or up until midnight of the day you drove into London (although drivers paying between 10 p.m. and midnight of that day pay an additional fee). Payment can be made online, at gas stations and stores where you see the "C" logo, by telephone, or by mail. When you pay, your car license plate (vehicle number plate) is photographed and entered into a database. Cars entering the Congestion Zone are similarly logged and a comparison made between those who pay and those who do not. You will not receive a ticket when paying. You will know when you are entering the Congestion Zone as there are large red "C" signs everywhere (almost like the Chicago Cubs logo, only red). The Congestion Charge is in effect Monday through Friday (public holidays excluded), from 7 a.m. until 6.30 p.m. Most people don't take their cars into central London anyway, as it's usually quicker either to walk, take the Tube, or hop on a bus. Since taxis are still allowed to drive around London, anyone who has not taken a taxi there for several years will marvel at the comparative distance that can now be covered in less than five minutes.

• Speaking of public transport—Despite the fact that theBrits complain loudly and frequently about their publictransport system, many Americans will be moderately impressed.You can pretty much get a train or a bus to any cornerof the country. {When it will come is another matterentirely.)
Unlike many of their American counterparts, Britishcity buses don't just go north/south or east/west. This ispartly because nothing is built on a grid system, and partlyto maximize the areas served. If you look at a bus route(pronounced "root"), for example, it will appear to ambleaimlessly, so be patient; you will get to your destination,but the route will be circuitous. I have been particularly impressedin recent years by a digital sign that is now a featureof many bus shelters around the country. These signs giveyou the estimated arrival times of the buses scheduled tostop there. The vote is still out as to their usefulness, as theone near my mother's house rarely even has the correct busnumber up! (A "bus shelter," incidentally, is a tempered
glass or Plexiglas construction, without doors, giving shelterfrom the driving rain and howling winds to those awaitingthe next bus.)
Trains are a bit more direct, but unless you're on a fastcommuter train or an intercity express, they also tend torumble along. When traveling by train, you can often buyyour ticket ahead of time either at the station or online.Make sure you have a ticket before you board as ticket inspectorscan fine you on the spot for traveling without firstpaying. Don't throw away your ticket when you get off thetrain, as it is usually required to get out of the station.Unfortunately, transport strikes are fairly frequent in theUK, and can bring whole cities to their knees. Nationalstrikes are less common than regional ones, but also happen,usually at the busiest times of the year.You can also travel quite well using taxis in the UK, althoughthe system is not quite the same as in the States.There are two different types of taxis, with a different set of
rules governing each. The black cab, also known as a hackneycarriage, is famed in London and can also be found inmany of the larger cities around the country. In London,and many other cities, these are the only taxis that canlegally "ply for hire," or be hailed off the street. If they areempty and available for hire, they will have a lit up sign onthe top of the car and you can stick your hand out as youwould anywhere. In addition, these cabs can be found outsidemajor train stations, airports, and various city center locations.They are not usually found in more rural areas. Theadvantage of taking a black cab in London is that thesedrivers study for years before obtaining their license andtherefore know every street within a six mile radius ofCharing Cross. If you're not in the mood, the downside isthat these chirpy drivers never stop talking and you'll knowtheir life history and political views before you've traveled ahalf mile.The other type of taxi is generally known as a mini cab.These cabs must be booked ahead of time either by phoningthe company office or booking online. They are not allowedto drive around the streetslooking for customers soif you attempt to hail one, it will probably drive straighton. These mini cabs look more like American cabs althoughthey don't have a light on top, and sometimes don'teven have company advertising on the exterior. All driversmust have an operator's license or temporary permit, as determinedby the local city council. If you book one of thecabs by phone, the booking person can usually give you aprice quote for your ride, which the driver should honor.In many large cities in the UK you'll find these cabs at variousstands dotted around, however, there are often verylong lines late at night. If you know when you'll be takingyour return journey, mini cab companies will let you booka cab to come and pick you up from wherever you state.You should be warned however, that if you're late for thetaxi, there are plenty of people who'll be more than readyto take your place, and the driver might not hesitate to takeanother paying customer.The bad news is that towns, villages, and cities rarely followthe grid system, so abandon all hope of intelligent guessworkwhen you're traveling around. Many places are extremelyold and grew up in seemingly random fashion.Even new housing developments ignore the opportunity tomake it easy to find people, and have cul-de-sacs (deadends) everywhere, curving streets and identical houses. Peoplehave been known to wander for hours trying to visitfriends in such places. With these types of layouts, directionsare doomed before you even attempt them: "Well, thestreet sort of curves round to the right but it's not strictly anoticeable angle" has you nervously wondering whetheryou've actually taken that curve already and missed a vitalclue. I wish people who live in such developments wouldhoist a flag when expecting visitors!For these reasons, the Brits tend to ignore the compasswhen giving you directions. People generally will tell youto "take a right" at certain spots rather than going north,south, etc. When you are asking for or giving directions,remember that mentioning any points on a compass willintroduce distraction to an already complicated mission.You need to be on the lookout for pubs and churches.There are tons of them everywhere and they serve as greatlandmarks.
Finding people's houses can also be a nightmare because ofthe tendency to have Acacia Avenue, Street, Close, Crescent,and Drive all in the same town, but not necessarily anywhereclose to each other. When sending mail to someone, don'tassume they live on Acacia Street and don't just write "Acacia."You must be very specific about the nomenclature—Street, Gardens, Avenue, Drive, Close, whatever. Also, ifyou're driving, don't assume everything is a street oravenue—listen carefully for the address. If you're taking acab, make sure you have the exact address or you'll be in fora lecture from the driver.Be warned, also, that some houses you visit may havevery strange addresses—or no number. Although quaintsounding,these houses are often extremely tedious to findas the house name is either hidden by peeling paint on thesign, engulfed by a giant rhododendron, or simply notthere at all. If you're given just a house name as the address,either ask what the house looks like or for some othervisual clue should you get lost. Having said that, I recentlyvisited a friend's new house, which supposedly had a "bigwhite rock" at the end of the driveway. After three drivebys,I finally realized she was talking about the grayishstone that couldn't have been more than a foot in diameter.

• You'll notice a distinct lack of yellow school buses. For the most part, children make their own way to school by being driven, walking, or taking regular public transport. Public transport buses vary in color throughout the land, depending on the city you're in and the particular company running that service. Even where special buses are provided exclusively to transport kids to and from school, they are not a uniform size, shape, or color. You'll also notice far fewer joggers in the UK, and definitely fewer in-line skaters and anything else on wheels except cars. Since most places (except remote country lanes) have sidewalks, however, it's usually good jogging terrain, as long as you take a rain slicker. Although the UK is quite a small country, there's plenty of opportunity to get out into what Brits call "the countryside." Every major city has quick and easy access to beautiful areas, although from London it might take you a little longer to get there. Some of the land is owned by the National Trust (or the Scottish Trust), along with many wonderful stately homes and museums. Both trusts are registered charities and were set up to buy property to preserve—and in many cases restore—for future generations. If you're planning to visit a number of their sites, you can purchase a Trust membership card, which then gives you free admission and parking to all their properties. You can save huge amounts of valuable time and money by doing this. Visit the Web sites for more information. If you're going to be in the UK during the summer, bear in mind that the Brits love their National Trust properties and visit them often, thus ensuring long lines to get into the most popular spots, as well as packed parking lots (car parks). This popularity also means that the time it takes to drive to your chosen beauty spot might be longer than you expect. Many country tourist attractions are accessed by narrow roads and long, winding driveways. You can spend a long time just sitting in your car waiting to go through the entrance. If you're planning to do a lot of driving in the UK, first of all, read the relevant chapter in this book (chapter 6). Second, don't plan your itinerary based solely on miles to be covered. You also need to take into consideration which roads will get you there. A "B" road will certainly be the more scenic, but if you get stuck behind a tractor or a herd of cows, it could literally double your travel time.

• There are a lot of public restrooms dotted about the UK,both indoors (e.g., shopping centers) and outdoors (e.g.,parks). These loos range from spotlessly clean to downrightdisgusting so check them out before allowing your childrento use them. Since there's generally no gap between thefloor and the door, if your child gets locked in a cubicle,you could be in trouble.

• Although the weather's usually a bit "iffy," as they say, the UK has plenty of outside sports and activities. In recent years a number of holiday centers (such as Center Pares) have sprung up where you can take various lessons or just enjoy outdoor activities ranging from canoeing to horse riding and hiking. There are also many footpaths where you can safely ramble around the countryside without getting too lost or trespassing on anyone's property. The issue of trespassing is sometimes a thorny one, so make sure you follow the signs when walking. Anyone can use a public footpath; a "permissive" footpath, although rather salacious-sounding, basically means that the land is privately owned but the public is allowed to walk through. Bridleways are also open to the public and to horse riders and cyclists. The Ramblers' Association has a great Web site explaining all of this.

• Talking about the weather—the UK has a fairly mild climate, but it is extremely unpredictable. (A word here: TheBrits are well aware that their weather is not always what one would want. There's usually no need to remind themof this by complaining about gray skies or cool summers.)Although umbrellas (often called brollies) are not always easy to carry about, especially when hiking, it is advisableto take some sort of waterproof outer layer. Also, if you'revisiting in the summer, don't assume that you'll only need light cotton clothing. I have had to purchase fleeces for mykids in the middle of July or August on many occasions.England, Northern Ireland, Scotland, and Wales all havetheir own Tourism Boards, giving a wealth of informationon every aspect of each country. There are also TourismBoards for many individual counties, as well as a separateboard for London. In most cities you'll find a Tourist InformationOffice, and all the boards have their own Web sites.They are worth checking out as you not only learn aboutwhere you're going, but often can obtain discount fares andother bargains.

BRITISH WORDS THAT MIGHT

REQUIRE TRANSLATION
The A to Z (pronounced "Zed") n—street map (you can
get them for every city)
Brolly n—umbrella
City center n—downtown
Common n—village green or heathland
Cul-de-sac n—dead end
Double decker n—two-level bus
Pavement n—sidewalk
Semi, or semi-detached n—duplex
Subway n—underpass
Tube n (in London)—subway; also called the Underground
AMERICAN WORDS THAT THE
BRITS DON'T SHARE
Downtown—city center
Duplex—most commonly, a semi-detached
Strip malls—shopping centers
Subway—Tube (in London) or Underground train