ON ONE OF my mother's first visits to my home in the States,she asked my husband if he'd mind "knocking her up at eight inthe morning." I don't care to reflect on what was going throughhis mind, and the embarrassment on my mother's face when the error was explained was priceless! In most cases using the wrongword may cause laughter or confusion, but it won't be fatal.However, there are some American words and practices that willguarantee you're not invited back for dinner. Many things thatare acceptable in the States may appear rude and ill-manneredin the UK. Here are a few:

• Although it can mean to get someone pregnant, the phrase "to knock someone up" can also be a fairly mild request in the UK for one person to knock on another person's bedroom door in the morning. Brits can also be known to "knock up a quick meal." As you can imagine, most Americans react with varying degrees of disbelief and embarrassment the first time they hear these variations.

• I say quite confidently that probably the biggest shocker tothe Brits is when Americans refer to a person as "she" or"he" when that person is standing right in front of them oris within earshot. I simply can't emphasize how rude thisis. Use the person's name, and if you can't remember it,the trick is to say, "We were just discussing..." In fact,Brits will jump through linguistic hoops to avoid using thepersonal pronoun in this situation. Even when they knowthat Americans mean no offense, Brits still can't believe itis actually being said. Again, I must stress that this is sorude! A common response to the use of "she" will be thequestion, "Who's she, the cat's mother?" (Despite heroicefforts on my part, I have yet to come across the root ofthis phrase, although it apparently made its debut in theOxford English Dictionary at the end of the nineteenthcentury.)

• Americans are far more open about discussing salary levels and money in general. Brits are generally uncomfortable talking about how much money they have or make and it could appear "brash" to do so. Asking someone how much they earn or what they paid for their house would put most Brits in a dreadful "spot," but you might get your answer as they're not very good at fluffing, and would worry that declining to answer would offend. They are similarly reticent about discussing house prices if they are buying or selling.

• "Fanny" relates to the female private parts and is an extremely crude word—not even used as a slang term. Eventhough most Brits will know that you are referring to thederrière, it will still draw shocked looks. This word should not be used in front of children. Also to be avoided is theterm "fanny pack"—the Brits call it a "bum bag."I recently read about Ada Doggett, a lady from Arlington,Texas, who was famed for designing the perfect MissAmerica swimsuit. Apparently Ada is also credited with theidea of spraying the contestants' fannies with glue so thebathing suit would stay in place. Can you imagine the tearsthat brought to this Brit's eyts Another word that should really not be said in front of childrenand/or in decent company is "bugger." In the UK, thisis never used to describe anything that comes out of one'snose, and is purely and simply an extremely offensive word.Sometimes you'll hear someone say "Bugger off " (meaning"Scram"), which for some reason is slightly more acceptablethan the "b" word on its own. Even more often you'll hearsomeone say they have "bugger all," which means "nothing."My advice is to avoid this word until you're confidentof its place in society."Butt," though not a curse word, is still viewed as crudeand would certainly not be expected to pop out of themouths of your offspring. Seriously, though, if your kidstend to use a lot of American slang (butt, fart, crud, crap,asshole, and beyond), you might find that they aren't askedto many playdates for fear they will teach the other kidsthese crude expressions.Unless you really mean to cause offense or cuss, never usethe word "freakin." In the UK, the alternative "F" word is"frigging," and, well, "freakin" sounds much too close."Frigging" is almost as inappropriate as the real thing. I stillcannot believe the amount of times I hear decent, upstandingAmericans say "freakin" and constantly have to reassuremyself that it's acceptable in the United States.

• Another innocent word that could cause real offense is "towhead." This is not known in the UK; the most similar sounding word (especially when referring to children) is "toe-rag," which means "brat" and is extremely insulting. To add to the confusion, Brits will wonder why you are smiling beatifically at their kids while calling them such a rude name. Incidentally, referring to military children as "army brats" will sound terribly offensive to Brits.

• Despite the popularity of the Austin Powers movies, theterms "shag," "shagging," or even "shagadelic" are not considered"nice" in the UK. And if you ever mention thepractice of "shagging flies" to a Brit, goodness only knowswhat they will think Americans do in their spare time.

• A "rubber" in England is an eraser; so don't be alarmed or embarrassed when your friend's cute five-year-old daughter asks you if you have one. You may also experience a request for a rubber many times in an office situation, and at your kids' school.

• Political correctness is not as de rigueur in the UK as in theUnited States. You may hear jokes (even on TV) that youwould never hear in public in the States. Although Americansgenerally think the Brits are very reserved and polite,you will quickly discover that they are far more direct inmany cases. Even commercials in the UK are more risquéthan you tend to see in the States. When watching BritishTV shows, particularly serious dramas, be prepared for afull frontal or two at any moment. Obviously this will notoccur during children's viewing time, but after 9 p.m.there's no telling. If you're not convinced, try tuning in toGraham Norton's talk show (chat show) on BBC Americaand see how crude your usually PC American celebrities
are when they think no Americans are watching.

• Although the stereotype of the loud American (wearing plaid trousers) is somewhat exaggerated, the decibel level of conversations in the UK is considerably lower than in the United States. Brits usually avoid "sharing" with strangers around them. When in the company of Brits, avoid embarrassing them (and yourself ) and talk as quietly as everyone else—especially in restaurants. Years ago, my husband and I were at a corporate event in Paris. We sat in the hotel foyer people-watching for while (okay, nursing a drink), and began trying to guess the nationality of people as they came through the door. Not very difficult in some cases, I'm afraid. In general, the Asian guests spoke so quietly they looked like they were lip-synching; the Europeans were only audible when they were a few feet from us; but the Americans could be heard before they were seen. I kid you not!

• In the UK, to "nurse" a baby simply means to hold and cuddle it. So, if someone hands you their precious bundleand asks, "Would you mind nursing the baby while I gettea?", just smile graciously and do your best.

• Still on the baby theme, the name of the nipple of a baby's bottle in the UK is "teat." If you say "nipple," people will look mildly shocked and then won't be quite sure how to respond.

• Be prepared to qualify your meaning if talking about a tripto an American strip mall. This phrase is not known in theUK and your listeners will assume you frequent strip jointson a casual basis!If introduced to someone called Stephen, Susan, David, orElizabeth (for example), don't then address him or her asSteve, Sue, Dave, or Liz. Fewer nicknames are used in theUK and people generally introduce themselves by thename they would like you to use. Shortening names willbe considered overfamiliar or just plain weird. Incidentally,if Charles is shortened, it's usually to Chaz or Charlie,rather than Chuck.

• While the "middle finger" gesture is understood in the UK, the common equivalent is the two-fingered V-sign. The index and middle fingers are formed into a "V," the palm faces inward, and the hand is invariably thrust upward. It is just as offensive as its American counterpart. Americans attempting the "V for Victory" sign (where the palm faces outward) should be sure to distinguish between the two V-signs, as more than a few American politicians have unwittingly told the British public exactly where to go!