THERE ARE MANY WORDS in the United States that you say every day without a second thought that will sound hilariousto the Brits. There are also words in their vocabulary that willcrease you up. My favorite, for some reason, is the American "behoove." Not sure why, but it just cracks me up every time I hear it! And you have to admit that the British "behove" has a slightly more intelligent ring to it. (Oops, there I go, pontificating again!) My purpose in forewarning you about these words is not todeprive you of a good laugh, but to help prevent inappropriatelaughter, since many of these words come up in serious, professional settings. (Well, okay, not the first one!)

• Lasso/lassoo—Americans say "lasso" and Brits "lassoo." I suppose, since there are far fewer cowboys in the UK, the American version is correct, but don't tell the Brits that— and don't laugh too loudly! Also expect a few titters when you say the word "herb." The Brits pronounce the "h" and to them, "erb" sounds like half a word. Incidentally, when speaking British English, you can always hear the "h" in "human" but not in "vehicle." Also quite funny is the fact that the Brits say "titbit" while Americans say "tidbit"; and the American "hodgepodge" becomes "hotchpotch." Then of course there's "schedule"—Americans all over the planet get the biggest kick out of the British version, pronounced "shedyool."

• Van Gogh—people from both sides of the pond will laughat the way the other side pronounces this name. The Britssay "Van Goff " and the "Goff " part is pronounced as in"off " rather than "go." When they hear an American saying"Van Go," some Brits might not even understand whomyou're talking about. And you'll be surprised how manytimes this name comes up in coversation. While we're discussing artists, the Brits pronounceMonet slightly differently. The "o" sounds more like the "o"in coffee, and the emphasis is on the first syllable. Ofcourse, when an American says "coffee," it doesn't soundanything like the way the Brits say "Monet," and you couldend up discussing Manet.

• Several other seemingly similar words will cause mutual chuckles when they're pronounced out loud. For "yogurt" the Brits pronounce the first syllable like "fog" rather than "go"; "pasta" and "basil" are pronounced with a flat "a," as in "fast"; "oregano" has the emphasis on the third syllable rather than the second. Perhaps one of the funniest to the Brits will be the American pronunciation of "buoy," and I guarantee they won't know what the heck you're talking about unless you're actually pointing at one. They pronounce it "boy," and since it's not a word that comes up on American TV shows too often, you'll be able to count on one hand the number of Brits who have ever heard your version of its pronunciation—if you say "boowee," that is! "Pianist," in the UK, only has two distinct syllables, making it sound more like "penis" to the American ear.

• The first time I heard about "Fat Tuesday," I fell about. TheBrits call it Pancake Tuesday, or Shrove Tuesday.

• The office is also good for a few nervous giggles: in the UK people ask for a "rise" in salary, and use a "rubber" to erase their errors.

• The Brits refer to their underpants as "pants" and theirouter garments as "trousers." Asking someone's opinion, forexample, on what pants you should wear for the office partywill probably cause confusion or embarrassment, and mostdefinitely, nervous giggles.

• Little girls wear "panties," grown women do not. I still cannot bring myself to call my underwear "panties," and you'll probably receive some odd looks with this one. "Knickers" is the most common word, although others you may come across include "underwear," "briefs," and "smalls."

• The Brits often refer to their pet German Shepherds as "Alsatians,"which, for some reason, Americans find hilarious.Beats me, but there you go. Also on the subject of animals,while we all call unnaturally white animals "albinos," theBrits often pronounce this word "albeeno."

• If you're about to bang your head against a four-foot beam in an Old Tudor pub, you'll very likely be told to "Mind your head." Similarly, at some stations on the London Underground system, you'll hear the announcement, "Mind the gap." This is basically warning you of the foot-wide gap between the train and the platform. On the other hand, if you use the word "mind" to mean paying heed to someone (as in "These children should mind their mother"), it probably won't be understood.

• My American husband always gets a kick out of the waythe Brits respond to the question, "How are you?" Unlikein America, where everyone says "Great" or variationsthereof, the Brits will usually tell you exactly how theyare—ailments and all. If they're feeling pretty good, theywill allow themselves a modest "Oh, not too bad, thankyou." Don't be offended by the lack of enthusiasm in theirresponses, and also don't be surprised when your extremelyenthusiastic "Happy to be here" (my husband's mantra) issuspected of being a sarcastic response. Incidentally, whensaying, "How are you?" to someone in the UK, you are expectedto wait for a response. It is not used simply as apassing greeting in the way Americans do at home.

• I guarantee that if you address a British woman as "Ma'am"she will think you're trying to be funny, although calling a male "sir" is not so hilarious for some reason. Similarly, the southern practice of children addressing women as Miss Toni, Miss Susan, and so on, is not done in the UK.

• If your name is Randy, be prepared to be teased ad nauseamin the UK. Randy is not a name and basically means"horny." During his active bachelor years, Prince Andrew,the queen's second son, was nicknamed "Randy Andy" bythe British press. Although males are sometimes calledWilly, this word means "penis," so again, be prepared fortitters.

• Other names that do not exist as names in the UK, and that will cause mirth, are: Trey, Clay, Stone, Wood—words usually reserved for inanimate objects. Family names (such as Madison, Macadden, etc.) are generally not used as first names, especially for girls. Girls are also rarely called Michael, Courtney, and Sean/Shawn, although Kelly is always female. Tracey, Lyn or Lin, Carroll, and Rosie would never, ever be used for males. Incidentally, first names are usually referred to as Christian names and second names are surnames. On the other hand, you'll hear some very odd names while over there, and I'm not just talking about the Gaelic ones. Vivien and Hilary can be used as boys' names, although that's not so common any more. The girl's name Jill is often spelled with a "G" (short for Gillian). The "Gill" spelling would never indicate a male, as the name Gil is not common in the UK. Many moons ago, while planning to attend a training course in the United States, an English friend called Gill tried numerous times to explain to the administrators that she was in fact female. Sure enough, when we all got to the training center, she found her room miles away from the rest of us—tucked away on the men's floor. None of us could figure out why at the time. Another English friend, also called Gill, has recently legally changed her name to Jill. She travels a lot to the States, and her ticket nearly always showed her as Jill, which never matched her passport. In these days of heightened security, she often had to pony up the $100 or so to have her ticket and passport match. There are also some very odd phrases in the UK, which might make you think of something completely different from what is intended. One that instantly springs to mind is "Keep your pecker up," which simply means keep your spirits up! "Codswallop" is one you will hear from time to time, which is a politer form of "bullshit." If you're told you have "egg on your chin," you should immediately check your flies—it means your zipper's undone!

• Some of the place names you'll hear are so weird you'll think you're being taken for a fool. Examples include, butare certainly not limited to: "Bottoms," in West Yorkshire; "Zeal Monarchorum" in Devon; "Yetts O' Muckhart" and"Pool of Muckhart" in Scotland; "Salt" in Staffordshire;"Upper Slaughter" and "Lower Slaughter" in Gloucestershire;"Crawley Down" in West Sussex; "Old Leake" inLincolnshire; "Child's Ercall" in Shropshire; and my favorite,"Chipping Sodbury" in Gloucestershire (often referredto as Sodding Chipbury). Finally, the most
northerly point in the UK is "Muckle Flugga" in the ShetlandIsles. Can you believe that one? Keep a Road Atlashandy at all times in case you need to entertain yourself fora few hours!

• People in the UK love to name their houses. I once knew a family who lived in a house called "The Butts," which caused no ripples in the UK. You'll also find the odd joker who calls his house something like "Costa Plenty" or "Dunroamin'." www.knowhere.co.uk